At The Seventh Level Of Hell, the closest soda machine to mine and Yoda's offices is a Coke machine on the second floor. We wandered down to the machine to get a couple of sodas. The only nice thing about this Coke machine (I hate Coke) is that it's usually stocked with orange Fanta.
I can deal with that.
Yoda got a coke, I dropped my sixty cents in the machine and realized it was out of Fanta. Disappointed but not deterred, I settled on a Barq's root beer instead. I pushed the button, the machine made noise, the sold out light came on, and no can emerged from the machine's mechanical intestines. I tried for a Coke - nothing. I tried to get my money back - nothing.
I went across the hall and protested my loss to the secretary that's in charge of the machine. She came over, popped it open, and gave me a Barq's. Something came up about another secretary having one of Yoda's laptops, so we moseyed over to A Little Corner Of Heaven (more on this in another post!) to get it back. Oops! I already had it. She had given it to me and I forgot to pass it on to it's rightful keeper.
Anyway, while we're in there, Soda Machine Secretary comes in and explains that a can of root beer is jammed in the machine and could we please try and get it out. Back to the Coke machine we go. I have a go at it, but I'm too weak and puny to free the can. Yoda moves in. He manages to get the can sitting upright, but it starts leaking.
I should mention that at this point in time, the little room the machine is in starts turning into a three ring circus... there are people walking in making comments about free soda, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria! Everyone wants to know what's going on and Soda Machine Secretary jokingly tells everyone that it's my fault because I wanted a root beer. I defend myself, with Yoda's assistance, by stating that I didn't want a root beer, I wanted a Fanta.
Eventually, Yoda makes a comment about how he can get the can open, and too bad he didn't have a straw (or something along those lines) so then he could drink it. One woman runs off and returns with two or three plastic straws. Yoda joins all three together for super straw action. Then he pops the can open and gets his straw placed.
He sucked that can down in what seemed like four seconds.
Four.
Seconds.
He says it was longer, because his straw had a hole in it, but I remember him pulling the straw back out and fixing it, then going to town and emptying the can.
In four seconds.
The woman who brought the straws had run back out to get her phone because she wanted to take a picture of him drinking a soda that was still in the machine. Why, I don't know. But, by the time she got back, Yoda had already ripped the empty can in half and cleared the jam.
Granted, I probably could've ripped the can in half too. But I couldn't have sucked that soda down that fast. I don't even drink beer that fast.
But that's Yoda. I wouldn't be surprised if I walked in on him drilling a hole through a two inch thick steel plate with his dick.
Comments (1)
Thanks for the laugh. You did fail to mention that the hole in the steel would be created in a plasma-arc fashion with just piss hitting the steel. An unfortunate byproduct of being able to drink a soda in 4 seconds.
Disclaimer: I think it was more like 9 seconds. Wasted-Years tends to exagerate my feats.
Posted by Yoda | August 15, 2005 9:52 AM