Wasted Years

2009 was a piece of shit, to be sure. On its way out the door, it can certainly stop long enough to kiss my ass.

2010 is upon us, a year full of potential and hope. We've all dealt with bullshit this past year, but 2010 can be ours. Correction - 2010 will be ours. It's time to step up, take what's yours and defy your detractors. Give them the gift that keeps on giving, the single finger salute. Treat each day as the gift it is and appreciate that you have it. Be selfish, look out for you and yours because ultimately no one else gives a damn. Go out and live!

My To-Do List for 2010:

- Quit smoking.

- Take better care of myself.

- Expand my apathetic attitude towards certain people further - When I stopped caring about a group of people and stopped worrying about civility, I started sleeping again. Like a fucking baby. Every night. I'm taking it further. Outside of a small circle of close friends, I'm done. I don't fucking care about you, your supposed troubles, or anything you have to say. Offended? Sit and spin. Then go kick rocks.

- Take my own advice and be selfish for once. I always say I'm going to do it, but never quite get there. 2010 will be different.

- Finish revising my damn book and finish writing the other one that's been sitting on the back burner.

- Pick up my guitar and start playing again.

- Make a movie.

- Take a vacation. To Florida. To watch a shuttle launch. Last year to do it so I better get it done.

- Reconnect with some family. Completely cut ties with others.

- Be happy with me.

Things I'm not looking forward to in 2010:

- Obamacare. Yes, I know it hasn't been finished yet and that it won't go into full effect for a couple of years. Bite me. Seriously, if you think a government that can still fuck up a wet dream after practicing for as long as they have having a hand in our health care is a good idea, you are a fucking idiot. Plain and simple. If you think it's a great idea, take good care of your other brain cell since that's the only one that's keeping you alive.

Wow. I can only think of one thing that I'm not looking forward to. I'm sure more will come up. Maybe? Meh, not worth the time to dwell on it.

2009 - hit the road. You're not wanted here anymore. A bigger better year is waiting to take your place. 2010 will be a good year because I refuse to let it be anything but.

2010 will be my year.

My family, like most, has had its ups and downs through the years. My brothers in particular have all had their share of issues, especially the youngest of the three. He's been married twice and divorced twice, and has one child from each marriage. His daughter is doing well, but his oldest, his son Christopher, had a rough life.

After the divorce, there were a lot of problems with the ex-wife. Even when I was too young to fully grasp what was going on, I knew enough to know that I didn't like her very much. She just seemed off. She did bring Christopher over so he could see his grandparents, but those visits were few and far between.

Eventually, she dropped a bomb on everyone and announced she was moving out of the area. Oh, she promised she would keep in touch and make sure Christopher still got to communicate with his family and whatnot, and that happened a couple of times but not very much.

And then she dropped off the face the planet completely. Phones were disconnected, mail was returned. There was no trace of her or my nephew. The family was worried and did what they could to find Christopher. After several years, it wasn't until my mom was pointed to DCFS and finally reached someone who could help that we all learned what had happened. Christopher had been removed from his mother's care and placed with a foster family (Why DCFS didn't attempt to place him with his dad is still a mystery) and had been adopted by the family. He was healthy, happy, and loved.

My mom, hearing all of this, was relieved he was ok but upset at the process. She decided that if Christopher was happy and being cared for, that was good enough for her with everything he had been through. It was not an easy decision, but she decided to let go and trust that his adoptive family would give him the life he deserved. It was a decision that always bothered her.

But hopefully it won't bother her anymore. Yesterday, my niece called and told my mom that she found Christopher on Facebook (apparently, my spelling skills are for shit which is why I never found him when I tried). We now know where he lives. We know he's doing well. We know he's married. Most importantly, we know he's ok.

This has been the best Christmas ever for a lot of us. Finding Christopher made it the best Christmas ever for my mom. Years of guilt vanished from her face over the course of the night and I can't remember when I've seen her so happy.

Merry Christmas.

Don't cry "victim" to me
Everything we are and used to be
Is buried and gone
Now it's my turn to speak
It's my turn to expose
And release what's been killin' me

I'll be damned fighting you
It's impossible
Impossible
Say goodbye with no sympathy

I'm entitled to overcome
Completely stunned and numb
Knock me down... Throw me to the floor
There's no pain... I can't feel no more
I'm entitled to overcome
Overcome

Finally see what's beneath
Everything I am and hope to be
Cannot be lost
I'll be damned fighting you... you're impossible
Impossible
Say goodbye with no sympathy

I'm entitled to overcome
Completely stunned and numb
Knock me down... Throw me to the floor
There's no pain... I can't feel no more
I'm entitled to overcome
Overcome

You'll never know what I was thinking before you came around
Take a step... Take a breath
Put your guard down!
I cannot worry anymore 'bout what you think of me
I may be crazy but I'm buried in your memory

I'm entitled to overcome
Completely stunned and numb
Knock me down... Throw me to the floor
There's no pain... I can't feel no more

I'm entitled to overcome
Completely stunned and numb
I'm entitled to overcome
Completely stunned and numb
I'm entitled to overcome

I may be crazy but I'm buried in your memory

Creed

Yeah, I know, it's been awhile. What can I say? It's been over a month and I still miss my little bud. It hurts a little less each day but I still find myself looking for him sometimes.

Work's been a massive bitch. The latest round of bullshit involved me and two others being thrown under a bus for something that was in no way our fault. At least I'm in good company. Just counting down the days now... hopefully the summer will bring some change for the better.

Outside of work, after two and a half years, I expected things to be drastically different from how they are now. Then I wake up and come to my senses, realizing that they're not different and it's my fault for letting myself get walked all over. I expected more from someone and got a hell of a lot less. Despite paperwork and recommendations that spell everything out, someone still refuses to allow things to progress. It's ok though, there will be consequences. That's a guarantee.

Picked up the new Creed. Somewhat disappointed, which is shocking. Maybe it'll grow on me after a few more listens. "Overcome" is all me though. Sums up the last couple of years and all the bullshit.

There ya go - Still alive and kicking! Just laying low to avoid having things used against me... shitty way to live, really.

Change is coming though.

The beginning of the school year has hit like a shit storm of epic proportions. I never thought I'd say this, but I don't want to work any overtime for a while. A very long while.

Of course, the beginning of the school year means that something is right around the corner.

That something is Xmas in September! Shoppers, get shopping! Links to stuff you should buy me will appear here shortly! Prepare yourselves accordingly! Sell your children! Take out a home equity line of credit! Sell your blood! But most importantly, get out there and stimulate the economy and treat me well!

What are you still doing here reading this? Go, go, go!

I really do. I've hardly bitched here in ages. Trust me - it's not for a lack of things to bitch about. But part of me has felt restrained by not wanting to be labeled a suicidal alcoholic in court again (BTW, Fuck You if you read this - go ahead and print this out for your records!)

Part of it is just how busy I've been lately. Editing the book has taken up a lot of time so far and I'm nowhere near done. You'll know when I am because it won't matter where you are, you'll be able to hear a man screaming "I did it!". And I'll be emailing some of you asking if you'll give it a critical read. Between the book and other things I'm working on (shameless plug - cut my hair!!!) I just haven't had the time to come here and gripe like I used to.

But with all the shit that's been building up, I need my release. I can feel it washing over me, threatening to break down the hastily erected barriers I've put into place.

Could it be? Is it possible?

Is Dave going to start blogging again? Really blogging?

Yep. I think so.

(Warm up your printer, you screeching, batshit crazy harpy, and don't forget to tell everyone about you jumping on the hood of my car on July 4th, 2009! Idiot.)

Hi blog. How are you?

I'm still alive, thanks.

I figured I'd actually post something so I can share what I've been up to. I've been on Facebook taking lots of quizzes.

Oh, alright... I've been up to more than just that. Still editing the book. Kind of wrapped myself into a little continuity nightmare that I need to resolve. I think a downside to NaNoWriMo is all the work you have to put into your novel after the fact to make up for the willy nilly keyboard attacks that put you at or over the 50,000 word goal by the end of November. It doesn't help that some of the writing I did was while I was in full blown zombie mode.

Speaking of the novel, I'm pleased to report that I have found an artist to do the cover. We've met and discussed what I'm looking for - she's excited about the project and I'm excited to have found a professional (she does this sort of thing for a living, you see). My excitement has kicked my editing into overdrive and barring any catastrophe befalling this humble servant of the Word, I expect to be done soon - continuity nightmare be damned!

That hasn't kept me from being my usual slacker self - in a spare moment away from the novel, I played with the tag line code again. Now, if there's a quote displayed, hovering over the quote with your cursor will display the source of the quote. How's that for some wizbang interweb chicanery? Sadly, this has pleased me to no end, which means it's time for yet another new hobby.

Work has been a BIYOTCH. With summer right around the corner, it's only going to get worse. Lots of new and not a lot of time to implement it. But hey - at least it never gets boring.

I leave you with a question - with GM's bankruptcy and the government becoming a 60% shareholder, how does it feel to own a part of the auto manufacturing industry?

I was in Massachusetts last week for training on our new network hardware. I learned a ton in four days, so much so that my brain was on overload by the end of each day leaving me exhausted. The downside of the trip was not having a helluva lot of time to be a tourist. I did get the chance to go see the ocean though, which was awesome! First time I've ever seen an ocean and gazing out across the vastness of the Atlantic made me realize just how small one person is on this planet. The upside of the trip was finding another place I need to go back to for a real vacation.

I got home Friday night, and spent yesterday trying to get my head back on straight. Woke up today feeling refreshed and invigorated. It was gorgeous outside so I took advantage of the beautiful weather and got a ton of yard work done.

For the first time in months I feel rested and ready for anything that comes my way. Good thing I get to go back to work tomorrow so that gets beaten out of me in the first two hours of the day. If it didn't, I might try to overthrow the government or something.

On a sort of depressing note - I'm down to just under two months in my attempt to raise money for St. Jude's and the meter hasn't budged off the $100 mark. If you have a website or blog, can you lend a hand and throw some link love my way? Thanks!

I'm off to bed to prepare for my foray into the Seventh Level of Hell.

My littlest nephew is sick. Poor little guy. I took a trip with Ed on Friday to get him checked out after he spiked a fever and complained about pain. He seemed OK by the time he got to go home, but apparently his health has been see-sawing. Hopefully he recovers soon, so he can get on with his important business of 'tearing things up'.

Back to an upside - my newest, littlest niece is pooping again! Behold the power of pooping infants for they can bring joy to others with their poop.

Today is a great damn day. It didn't start off that way - knee is fuxored again, server crashed at work, weather sucks.

Then I went home for lunch and found my copy of the new Lacuna Coil disc in the mail... and all was right with the world.

I'm easy to please, especially if there's new music involved.

It's not so much a project as it is an effort. In the midst of trying to finish editing my book, trying to find an artist to do the cover, and working on some music for Ed, I'm putting on my fundraising hat again:

cutdaveshair.com

If you're able to donate, please do so!

Thanks!

When I got home today, I came down to my work area and put my nice steaming hot cup of coffee down next to my less than two month old laptop. I sat down, getting ready to work on the book, when I noticed that the folding table that serves as my desk didn't look right. So I stood up and took a look under the table to see why the end where I sit looked lower than it should.

As I bent over, I put enough weight on the table to finally break the legs free from the table top. One nice loud crunch/crash later, my laptop was on the floor covered in coffee along with everything else that was on the table.

I killed the laptop to avoid shorting anything out and got it off the floor - only to try and put it back up on a table that was no longer there.

On the up side of things, my knee doesn't hurt that much anymore.

The best part of Monday was the concert (obviously). The fact that I didn't have to pay one damn cent was just icing on the cake.

Well, that and being close enough to the stage for the rolling heat from the flash pots to blow my hair up.

Here's a brief rundown in a sentence:

Walked past front doors, met hook-up (cool fucking guy!), had a beer, went inside, walked down to staging area, walked out onto the arena floor, bought one beer (worst beer ever), went back to floor, watched Metallica, went deaf, went a little hoarse, and went home.

Tomorrow, I'll want to slap myself for that sloppy sentence. I'd go into major detail, but the drugs say it's time for my sick ass to go to bed.

Many thanks to Shannon for the hook up! Best concert experience I've ever had.

It's been ages since I've felt so relaxed...

Had a great weekend the highlight of it being a visit from Bea and Aliyah! Little Aliyah is so cute I almost can't stand it... especially when she's army man crawling/rolling around on the floor. Outside of some b-day celebrating it was a low-key weekend which was very nice after the ass load of stress I've been under lately. My batteries are recharged and I hope Bea's rested up for a bit.

Even after a day at work I'm still feeling good and hope it lasts.

Even better was the trip to the doctor for my knee - tendonitis was the preliminary diagnosis. I have ibuprofen to pop to help the inflammation and a follow up in two weeks. I'm still gimping around, but the weekend gave me the opportunity to rest more than anything else which has helped a lot. If work wasn't so crazy right now, I'd take a couple more days off to stay off my feet - Going to work today really beat the hell out of my knee. Ice is my new best friend.

To top things off, I checked my stock today and it jumped 31%. It'll probably eat shit tomorrow with the market being so volatile right now, but at least it did good for a day. My little experiment with the stock market has been very informative so far.

I hope my mood survives the week... happy is good, even if it's tinged with a little sadness brought on by airports.

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes and good times!

Xmas In September is almost here! Rejoice! Watch my arrogance level shoot from 0 to infinity in a nanosecond!

Tomorrow I say 'fare thee well' to my twenties and press on into the land of the thirties. In the last decade I've learned... umm... I discovered...

Hrm.

Older, but not wiser. Sounds about right.

You still have time to get your shopping done folks! There's a store open somewhere right now, so hop to it!

New item to shop for: a cane - Seriously. My knee has been a disaster since Saturday. I've been hobbling around with a knee brace all day. I figure if I have a cane, I can go to work and be the school district's version of House.

Don't forget! Tomorrow's the day!

Happy Xmas In September to me!

Xmas In September is approaching!

Break out the plastic and make with the consumerism!

This is the greatest time of year! Rejoice and buy me lots of stuff!

Or buy me a house... that would be an acceptable offering. Ha! I kill me!

I figured I'd better start doing some real blogging again to avoid a bitch slap from the Venomous One. Somehow I doubt she's the only one that was getting tired of seeing nothing but love notes being posted. Am I wrong? S'ok though... I can supply random rambling and love notes. I'm a champion multi-tasker from waaaaaay back.

So what better way to get back into the swing of things than a friendly reminder post. That's right!

It's Christmas In September time!

It's that time of year to sell your children, off your spouse for the insurance money, and re-mortgage your house to buy me lots of stuff.

In a fit of boredom I broke up the massive list from years past into manageable chunks... there is a list of miscellaneous items, a listening list, a reading list, a watching list, and a list of books I think might come in handy for my writing endeavors.

So get to it shoppers! As of tomorrow, you have one month to get your shopping done!

So Begineth the Month of Me.

It's been ages since I posted something other than a note to someone special. A lot of blogs I've been to over the years had a section of 100 or so things about the blogger - never really thought about doing one myself because I don't think I'm that interesting. And because some of the ones I read were snooze-rific I could never bring myself to put everyone else to sleep.

But I'm in an introspective kind of mood and like I said, it's been ages since a post so cinch your helmets tight we're going on a trip through Dave Land...

Random Ramblings
1) My full name (minus my surname) is Joseph Glen David.
2) I'm named after my grandfather and two close family friends.
3) The last four or five generations of men on my dad's side were named Joseph. It's tradition, baby!
4) In court, I'm Joseph.
5) Outside of court I'm not (but you already knew that).
6) I have a horrible habit of oversimplifying the hard stuff and thinking too much about the easy stuff (especially when it comes to talking to people).
7) At least one of you already knew that.
8) I was picked on all the time in school.
9) Then I damn near broke some fucker's nose.
10) Then I got stabbed in the arm with a pen.

At least I am now.

Although for awhile I had to resist the urge to get on a plane and kick someone's teeth out by putting my foot real far up their ass.

But I'm okey dokey now. Things are OK and everything is going to work out.

Due to popular demand, I finally uploaded the pics I took to start off my new hobby. Like the Mambo pics, they're on Flickr, but these are wide open for viewing - no account required. Many thanks to Kim, who agreed to be my guinea pig and suffered through my total lack of direction and futzing with the camera.

Moving ahead, I wanted a guy subject but as I expressed to Bea, how do you ask a guy to take pictures of him and not have it sound gay? Honestly, not really a concern but it was good for a chuckle or two. But I have switched gears and will be looking for a married couple to volunteer to be my next victims subjects.

Any potential volunteers?

The annual taco party went off without a hitch (well - except for the slight delay in serving up the grub). People showed up, had a good time, and left satisfied. I blew through the last three exposures on the roll of film so I should be dropping off all the film tomorrow. I've got some great pics from Mambo this year, thanks to Ed taking the initiative and grabbing the camera. I've got great blackmail pics, so I'll be in a house in no time (HA!).

But really the best part of Mambo was the awesome surprise I received from an old co-worker and her daughter. Honestly, it was the best surprise I've ever had... it was none other than Bea! That sneaky woman RSVP'd her regrets and then hopped on a plane to come hang out and party! It was a damn great day and Bea helped it along. It was great to see her and the rumblings of me taking a trip back out to AZ for my birthday have begun... we shall see...

But it was a great day - the food was awesome, the beer flowed freely for those who drank, and the weather... well the weather ate shit later in the night, but it was still a beautiful day overall.

Mambo VIII goes down as the best Mambo ever. Thanks to everyone who came out and special thanks to Cathy, Beth and Aaron who showed up on my doorstep with Bea.

See ya next year!

Finally got around to seeing this with Kathy last night. I liked it, and thought it was pretty good. Will Smith did a fine job in the lead IMO and the visuals were impressive. Worth the trip to the theater in the freezing fucking cold.

But I think I liked the book better. I guess there's something about not-so-happy endings that appeals to me.

The innocence of children allows them a unique point of view of the world around them which in turn can lead to a lot of questions.

"Daddy, do you remember when you lived here and slept with me and momma?" is a question that'll tear out your heart and stomp on your soul.

It's worse because she doesn't understand.

Yet.

Congratulations to Krissy on her gradumacation from a center of higher learning. We went out Saturday to celebrate with dinner, bowling, and a trip to Denny's at one in the morning. A good time was had by all.

Congrats again, sis! I'm proud of ya!

In the winter time, my hands dry out something fierce no matter how much lotion I use and eventually the skin on my finger tips starts splitting.

I was laying down a guitar track for a project I'm working on when I got a string caught in one of the splits on my fingers. I've done it before, but it's been a while since it's happened.

Ow. Big-time OW. I uttered a string of curses that made the dog run up the stairs in fear for her life.

Suddenly I remembered why I don't play a lot of guitar during the winter months. Simultaneously I thought up a great torture information collection device.

I'll be accepting offers from the intelligence community in the near future... stay tuned!

We got dumped on again Saturday... probably another 5 inches when it was all said and done. I'd have an accurate number, but I haven't watched TV since Friday night.

I had a great visit with my little princess on Saturday. We played princesses and Mission to Mars. Watching her imagination running at full throttle is always so much fun. I left Wisconsin and traveled through hell before hitting the border and getting back into Illinois where they know how to plow the roads. I almost t-boned some jackass who thought that 4 wheel drive is a license to drive like an asshole in crappy weather.

Being brave or stupid or both, I drove through more crappy road conditions to go to Ed and Krissy's for the annual holiday shebang. It was a blast! I got to spend time with Ed, Krissy, Danny, and Kathy and got awesome gifts from everybody (thanks again guys!)... well worth the drive!

Now I just have to make it through the rest of this week and I'll have almost two full weeks off from work, which will give me a chance to relax after all the recent madness in my life.

A little less snow would be nice though.

A compromise isn't a compromise when two of us will wind up losing out in the end.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

After reading through that last entry, I realized something.

It's absolutely amazing how much things can change in three month's time. Three months ago, I was geared up to buy a house - I was in pretty good shape financially, the only thing missing was a sizable down payment but I had that all figured out and would have been set within two month's time. Between then and now I had to turn to my old enemy, the credit card, to take care of some things around the house for The Mom. I didn't really want to, but it was an emergency and she didn't have the resources to handle it. Following that, I had to hit Mr. Credit Card again for a huge chunk of change for a horrendously miserable situation.

Credit-wise, I'm done as far as owning a home goes. My debt to income ratio is now too high for me to get a mortgage. Due to another aspect of the horrendously miserable situation, I'm back to living paycheck to paycheck - something I haven't had to do in quite awhile. Which is another nail in the coffin of me getting a house.

Yeah, I'm complaining. But I was so damn close to being in my own home that I think I'm entitled. And for you naysayers - yeah, I had to resort to credit card usage for both problems. Believe me, I didn't want to and I tried to find other options, but I had none.

In three months, I went from being on top of the world to having everything come crashing down on me.

Amazing.

Simply amazing.

It actually started last night when an ATM allowed me to withdraw enough money to overdraw my checking account.

I overslept this morning. I still made it to work on time, but I was in a big damn hurry and felt frazzled for an hour after i got to work.

While standing outside having a smoke, I damn near froze my balls off. Couldn't figure out why, but there was a horrendous draft blowing up my leg and causing me to shrivel.

During my lunch hour I discovered that someone made an unauthorized purchase using my credit card. No joke. They used it to place an ad on AutoTrader. I wonder if they sold their vehicle... after thinking about it this evening, I'm also wondering if that loser alcoholic brother of mine got his hands on my credit card number.

After coming home from work I finally discovered the source of the freezing wind of doom that dropped my testicles into an ice age - a big gaping hole in my underwear. Maybe I should turn the light on in the morning.

After today's fun, I'm wondering what'll happen next.

Ed came over today and we put the finishing touches on a three year old project. It was a blast three years ago and it was a blast today, reliving the original experience.

I feel the urge to be creative again.

And it feels damn good.

I think I'm going to try and finally finish the goofy Lego movie that I started two years ago. I've got the audio so I might as well use it. But after that I need to move away from the solo projects. Today's activities reminded me just how much fun it is to be creative with other people. I've already got a couple of ideas that I talked to Ed about awhile back which is a start.

Now I've just got to find other people

Anybody up for some sketch comedy?

Over the past couple of weeks I've been neglecting the hell out of this thing - poor blog. Hopefully it's feelings aren't hurt too bad.

Hey! We had a Six Degrees Sunday and I never announced the winner. Ed won with the following:

"1. Hugh Hefner made a guest appearance on "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" which starred Will Smith... 2. Will Smith was in "I, Robot" with James Cromwell... 3. James Cromwell played in "The Green Mile" as did Tom Hanks... 4. Tom Hanks starred in "Apollo 13" alongside, you guessed it, Kevin Bacon."

Congrats to Ed who wins a big empty box with a bow on top for his answer! If I ever post another SDS, I'll be sure to post results in a timely manner...

I'm sure this will come as a shock, but I still haven't written anything for NaNo. I finally thought of something... it actually intrigues me. I have a plot and an outline in my head, now all I need to do is write. With only 5 days left in the month I know I can't hit 50,000, but even if all I put down is 1,000 it'll be something. Actually it'll be impressive given my recent lack of ambition to do anything.

Two weeks ago I got sicker than a dog. It started with what felt like a head cold, moved into the outer regions of flu territory, and then hopped the sick train to Congestionville. I was sick for over a week and still haven't shaken all the effects - right now it feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. It's fun! You should try it some time.

Last week my 3 1/2 year old princess damn near made me piss my pants. I asked her if she was going to help me pick up her trains. She got a very serious look on her face and answered, "No. I think I'll just supervise." So I picked up her trains and then we watched Super Why, which is actually a pretty cool show. Or it was until she wanted to watch some of the episodes two or more times. How can little kids do that? I've tried to do it, but I need a least a day between watching the same episode of anything. And even then it's a sure bet that I'll turn it off five minutes into the second viewing.

And that's about it. Ed's coming over today to show me something 'massive' (Whoa!) which is probably a good thing (the coming over part, not the massive part). I haven't really had any human contact in awhile (family and work don't count) and I'm hoping this will cheer me up a bit. I certainly could use some cheering up, damn it.

Although Halloween has been over and done with for a few days now, as of yesterday there was still one Halloween event to attend - the party hosted by one of the secretaries from work. She has the party every year and I've made it every year, costume or not. This year, me and Brad went as Jay and Silent Bob.

My part as LunchBox was easy enough to pull off... I own a trench coat, have long hair, and grew a ferret on my face. Add in a healthy dose of standing around not saying a word and I was set. Brad on the other hand had it rougher I think. He had to shave the ferret off of his face which makes him look 12 again. Plus, he has no hair while Jay has long hair. The idea of getting a wig was floated, but neither of us really had the time to go shopping. So last night about half an hour before the party, we went in search of some last minute items to complete our costumes, including a mop head to use as a wig.

Three stores, no mop head. The only thing we found were sponge mops and replacement mop heads for those twist mop deals. Not being the biggest deal in the world we said 'screw it' and headed for the party. We arrived, made for the backyard, and grabbed a section of garage door to loiter in front of in full view of the kitchen. The kitchen that had people in it. By windows. After five minutes of not being noticed, Brad jumped up on the beer fridge outside by the kitchen window and peered in through the window until our hostess saw him and gave a blood-curdling scream.

The highlight of the party was Brad explaining what I was thinking to another guest:

Guest: "So you like read his mind and tell people what he's thinking?"
Brad: "Yeah."
Guest: "So what's he thinking?"
Me: Hand to head a la Jedi Mind Trick
Brad: "He's wondering if you've ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in a trench coat"

Yes, we are sick twisted perverts.

Brad took off about ten, leaving me with my drink and the other guests. By 12, I was thoroughly rocked (and feeling like crap) and decided to head home. Best part of this party - it was three blocks from home, so no worries about making it back to the house in a drunken state. I stumbled home, got sick, and passed out.

All in all, a good time. Except for the getting sick part. And the waking up in agonizing hell part from this morning. I love to let loose every once in awhile, but I just can't party the way I used to. Guess I'm getting too old. I'm thinking my party-going days are over. If that's the case, I'm glad I had a good time at the party last night.

I guess we'll see what next year brings.

My days of rubbing kitten pecker are over! The kitten is using the litter box. I repeat, the kitten is using the litter box.

I've had a litter box setup for Echo for about a week but he's refused to use it. Which has been annoying since he decided to bless me with a massive pile of shit in his sleeping area two days in a row. That in itself was a blast. Seriously. Nothing like a kitten covered from head to tail in shit. Moving along...

Tonight I put him in his box, he played with the litter for a minute, rolled over the side of the box, and walked away. Which is his usual routine and leads to pecker rubbing. After walking away, he turned back, crawled in and went to town. I stood there staring in shock until he looked up at me with that 'Ahem, a little privacy here' look that cats give you when you catch them in the box.

This is a great ending to a great weekend... too bad Monday will be here soon to screw everything up.

Brad and I were over at the freshman center setting up iMacs in a room on the third floor. It was a nice day today so the windows were open and just before we finished with the setup Brad heard a cat meowing. We both listened at the window and I agreed that it was a cat. Brad listened again and suggested it might be some kind of alarm, but after listening a bit more we determined it couldn't be anything but a cat.

We finished up and walked out to the van to load some crap into it. I started walking towards the front of the building to look for the meowing cat when it started meowing again. In the back of the building there's a tunnel that actually goes underneath the school to provide access to more parking and doors for some of the basement areas. When the cat started meowing again, it sounded like it was in the tunnel so we started walking through the tunnel looking for the it. Brad walked all the way through and I only made it halfway before realizing we were too far in. During all this the cat had gone silent so it was impossible to get a location on it.

We started walking out and the cat started meowing again. The first time it meowed I actually thought the little bugger was in the damn sewer and knelt down by the drain to listen for it. When it meowed again, we realized it was just outside the tunnel in a fenced off area with some a/c equipment. We could hear it crying, but still couldn't see it and started crawling all around the fence looking for it. I finally got smart and tried my padlock keys on the lock to the gate - bingo! I got the lock open and we moved in.

Brad finally found the little guy dead center under the a/c equipment - it was just a tiny kitten! He was curled up in a ball, crying his head off and shivering something fierce. Brad was gracious enough to run inside and find a box, but we couldn't get to him because there were metal grates all around the sides of the equipment so we started trying to get him to come to us. He looked like he was having trouble walking when he tried to walk at all and he crawled under a metal plate supporting a couple of tanks where we couldn't see him. Brad went to the other side of the grating and locked in on his position but we still didn't have a way of reaching him.

Apparently I knocked my work keys against something a couple of times and that got the kitten's attention and he started scooting my way so I pulled the keys off the belt hanger and started shaking them. Brad shouted to me that the little guy was headed towards me so I kept on shaking until a little gray head popped out from under the plate in front of me. He was still behind the grating, but Brad managed to scruff him and gently pull him through a gap in it.

We took him back to the Seventh Level and Brad donated a towel to wrap him in. The speculation is that mom was moving her litter and either got spooked or ran into trouble and didn't go back for the little guy. I ran the little guy to the vet on my lunch hour for a quick checkup. The little guy is two to two and a half weeks old and only weighs eight grams. He seems to be in good health for a youngin' but he's going to need to be bottle fed kitten formula for awhile and be kept warm. He still doesn't have a name, but I'm working on it ('Echo' seems to be a front runner right now).

I almost didn't bother with looking for him. But there was something in that tiny meow that got to me. And once we found him, there was no question in my mind about taking him home. The poor little guy was lost and alone.

Kind of like me.

After almost 12 hours we were finished and the kids that go to the kindergarten center will get off the bus Monday greeted by the sight of a brand new playground. There were about 50 to 75 people there at one point - almost too many volunteers. Some of us spent time twiddling our thumbs until a new job came up. By the end of the day we numbered 20 at most and were determined to get all the mulch spread over the playground area. We finished just after 7 and retreated from the mulch odor and mosquitoes to the safety and comfort of our homes and showers.

I met some great people yesterday, the most memorable being Ray whose regular job consisted of 'driving around, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes'. I fell into one of the post holes (thankfully I wasn't the only one who did that) and got a lot of sun which I didn't realize until I went home. I got out of the car trying to figure out why I was so damn hot. When I got inside my brother told me I was a beautiful bright shade of red. Ugh.

Today I feel like shit. I'm feverish and my body is protesting the insane amount of work I did yesterday. But yesterday was a glorious day, exhibiting the finer qualities in people when they come together for a community purpose. Yesterday morning a large group of strangers got together to build a playground. By last night they left, friends all, and left behind in their passing something kids will be enjoying for a long time to come.

And that makes every minute of today's aches and pains worth it.

One of the schools I go to received $25,000 from the Chicago Bears for a new playground. Local businesses and our district chipped in some more for various things but the principal still needed a crew to do the actual build so she put out the call for help.

Always looking for opportunities to meet attractive single women new people, I signed up so tomorrow I'll be building a playground from 8 to 5. I'm not usually into this kind of thing - when I leave work on Friday I do whatever I can to avoid thinking about it in any way until Monday morning. But it's for kindergarten kids and they're so cute when they're that small that going to a work location on a Saturday as a volunteer is acceptable to the warring factions between my ears.

Well that and the fact that there could be attractive single women there.

I have no shame!

Seriously though, I'm looking forward to it and I think it's going to be a really fun time. So now that I've bored you with yet another tale from my oh so boring life, I'm off to bed.

Hasta.

I've spent the majority of my birthday recovering from last night's festivities. To say I had a good time would be a massive understatement. I received some damn fine gifts and enjoyed the company of good friends.

Unfortunately, there's a picture of Ed grabbing my man boobs that could very well become blackmail material. Between that, stories of 'Cobra Dude', and Krissy talking about my knob there were laughs aplenty. I also managed to pull off a partial repayment of a certain lighter incident from a few years back - if you think that was all, think again!

To Ed, Krissy, Danny, Lari, Ralph, Greyson, and (last but certainly not least) Kathy - thanks for making my birthday enjoyable and memorable. I had a blast thanks to all of you!

And now begins the countdown to Christmas In September '08 - Celebrating 30 Years of Everyone's Favorite Asshole!

Or something.

Christmas In September is tomorrow! Haven't found the perfect gift for yours truly? I always have great gift ideas!

The party's today! If you didn't get an invite then you live too far away to make it (massive bummer!) or I don't want you around to screw up the awesome Christmas In September vibe. It's all about me baby!

Hmm... I become more of an asshole the closer my birthday gets... anyone else notice that?

There are only nine (9!!!) days left until Christmas In September and given the late hour, that means you only have eight days left to do your holiday shopping!

Make with the shopping!

Guess I'm just collateral damage.

Kids, listen to Uncle Dave - that's what being a nice guy gets you.

I've been having major problems sleeping lately. I'll go to bed and lay there until about 4 in the morning, pass out, and get up no later than six (for those of you with weak math skills that's two hours of sleep a night). This has been going on for about a month and a half and I'm surprised I'm still able to function. So is The Fearless Leader... not that I've been paying attention, but my lack of sleep hasn't affected the quality of my work. It has made a bigger asshole than usual though and I usually take it out on Brad because I'm around him so much (sorry dude!).

I went out for a beer Thursday after work and ranted about everything going on. One beer turned into four (or five... I'm not sure actually), I went home, went to bed, and slept like a baby. Hmmm... insomnia or alcoholism, which do I choose? Seriously though, kicking back a few every day might not be a 'problem', but I'm sure as hell not going to start drinking every night so I can sleep.

My lack of sleep finally caught up to me on Saturday. I did some stuff around the house and passed out around four in the afternoon. I woke up at ten long enough to get some water and putz around before crawling back to bed and sleeping until nine Sunday morning. Not too happy about that since I missed out on some fine food Saturday evening, but I guess you can only go so long on naps before you crash and burn.

Hopefully certain things will be worked out soon so I can get back to a normal sleep schedule. Until then, I'll press on with two hours of sleep a night until I crash again.

Here ends the Monday night random ramble.

Not that we were, but what the hell - I'll turn the conversation that way.

The Best Damn Holiday Ever is rapidly approaching! Have you done your shopping yet?

I'm thinking about having a party, just for the hell of it. I can't remember the last time I had a birthday party and I could really use some cheer this year. Hmmm... decisions, decisions. As you get older, life is filled with hard decisions.

Should I get a keg or stick with a case or two?

I finally have hot water again, although it didn't happen until yesterday. The old heater was sitting on a concrete slab a foot off the basement floor. The guys that came out Tuesday (contracted through Home Depot) didn't have a heater that would sit on top of the slab and allow clearance for all the plumbing on top. The soonest they could come back would have been tomorrow. Dreading the thought of waiting until Friday for a hot shower, I got a local plumber to come out Tuesday night.

He checked everything out and told me he'd check inventory back at the shop Wednesday morning and if he had a heater I'd have hot water by Wednesday night. Then he said if he didn't have the heater, he'd go out and get one and I'd have hot water by... Wednesday night.

When I told him that the dynamic duo Home Depot had sent wouldn't have been back until Friday he looked at me and explained that, being a local company (in the area for decades) they make it a point to look out for their customers and work hard to restore the comfort level that people are used to - or something along those lines. The point being that the customer and their satisfaction is top priority to them.

I'll be honest - I didn't know that there were still places out there that valued their customers. Pleasantly surprised would be one way I'd describe my feelings on the whole conversation.

Yesterday a crew came out with the heater, had it installed in about an hour and a half, and I took the greatest hour long shower in the world. And then I took another hour long shower this morning.

Because I could.

Those two words probably aren't what you'd expect to read, especially with the heat and humidity we've endured over the past couple of weeks. But when your water heater eats it and the soonest someone can come out to replace it is Tuesday afternoon, the word 'cold' takes on a whole new meaning. Especially when describing the showers you'll be taking until the water heater is replaced.

After sitting and drinking coffee for four hours straight yesterday I realized that I had forgotten how much fun it could be to just sit and talk with someone. Reminiscing about good times past and sharing a laugh or two along the way just felt good - and I haven't really felt "good" in a long time.

Having severely cut back my caffeine intake over the past eight months and inhaling that much coffee in a short period of time had me awake until three this morning though. I'm surprised I can even function right now.

It's a beautiful day - the humidity that's hammered the area for the past couple of weeks has decided to take a vacation and it's finally comfortable again outside. I'm hoping to enjoy it while it lasts and make the most of this weekend since school starts on Monday and the following two weeks will be utter madness in the land of technology.

Is it me or did this summer really fly by?

I go back to work tomorrow and I'm sure it's going to be hell dragging my ass out of bed at 5 in the morning. Not because it'll be 5 in the morning, but because I'll have to get ready for work.

After my fun-filled week of scraping, sanding, and painting it's official - I need another vacation to recover from this last one. And I doubt I'll be getting another one anytime soon. I need to save up my remaining days for house buying related stuff and other things. I'm sad to report though that things are not looking well on the house buying front, but I remain cautiously optimistic about the entire endeavor. We'll have to see how the next couple of months play out.

I just have to keep taking things one day at a time and work with what I have.

I also need to figure out where all my optimism has come from and bottle it so that I'll have some on hand in case I turn back into the "old pessimistic dave".

It's that time of year folks. The kids are going back to school soon, summer has a few weeks before her final hurrah and everyone's thoughts will be turning to the holiday season. Of course, the first major holiday coming up is the greatest of them all - Christmas In September!

Shoppers - you have just over a month to get your major holiday shopping of the season done! I have a constantly growing and evolving Amazon wish list available to aid you in your decision-making process. You may also peruse my ThinkGeek list for additional gift ideas.

Let the buying begin!

Apparently when I take a vacation, I take a vacation from everything - blogging included. It's been a wonderful week, free of work and the madness that I'm sure ensued when staff started coming back from their summer vacations.

Let's see... last Saturday I had a poker game. Ed, Krissy, Brad, and The Fearless Leader came over and we played for a few hours. I managed to lose my ass... something about playing for small dollar amounts keeps me from doing good I think. When all was said and done, Brad actually pocketed the most profit... although I'm not sure how he managed. A good time was had by all. Until I woke up on Sunday with a nice healthy hangover. Ugh.

I made it out to Ed and Krissy's for my littlest nephew's birthday party which was fun, if somewhat loud and bright. Thanks to Ed for trying to "enhance" my suffering by turning on the kitchen light. Dude - we might be able to save the earth if you never turn that light on again... of course in my current non-hangover state I'm sure it's only half as bright as it was on Sunday.

The rest of my week was spent trying to get up early to get out for a ride on my bike. I've had this nice mountain bike since last fall and haven't gone further than the end of my driveway. I figured since I was on vacation, I'd get up early and get out before traffic picked up. The days I did manage to get up early were disappointments because it managed to rain every one of those days.

I also managed to turn what should have been a two day painting project into a week-long escapade. The back hallway has been driving me crazy for as long as I can remember. I decided to paint it and the actual process started on Saturday when Brad came over and we started peeling the surface layer of paint off in sheets. Let this be a lesson to everyone - surface preparation is important! I spent two days scraping, one day sanding and patching, and two days laying down primer. I could've had that done in one day, but started priming late in the day Thursday. I wanted to get a second coat on yesterday as well as a first coat of paint, but had other business to attend to. By the time I was done with the second coat of primer I was done for the day. As it stands, I'm still not done and am wondering why I ever agreed to deal with this in the first place.

So that's been my vacation week. Even though I haven't been sleeping in and have been working everyday it's been great! But that's because I wasn't stuck at The Seventh Level Of Hell. Sure I'm paid to be there, but that doesn't make it suck less.

For the past couple of mornings, there's been the foul odor of skunk funk in the yard. Apparently, last week's victim had family and they're still in the area. The dog goes crazy every morning (more so than usual), running around the yard with her nose either in the air or against the ground.

I keep telling the dog to watch it or the skunk posse is going to get her. If dogs can roll their eyes, then that's exactly what she does to me each time I say it. But a part of me keeps expecting to see a gang of skunks walking up my driveway and snapping their fingers while taunting the dog.

I just hope they vacate the area soon. I don't think the dog wants anymore baths for a while.

Lot's of things going on in Dave World... some big and exciting, some not so much.

The dog bathing went surprisingly easy... she didn't fight as much this time and actually seemed to enjoy it - big shocker! She still smells, but you have to actually get close and focus on sniffing around where she got sprayed. I'm torn between putting her through the agony of another bath and just letting it go. Will a light skunk funk fade eventually? Anyone know?

I tore up some of the hallway carpeting... I was going to do the whole thing, but managed to track down the source of the skunk funk and minimized collateral damage. The rest will be torn out eventually, after I'm done painting. I finally have color commitment from the boss so I can get crackin'. I'll probably spend a day of my vacation knocking that out. I'm sure my brother will want me to spend all of my vacation doing shit that I don't want to, so I'll have to present him with my very specific list of things I'll be doing. It'll be short - paint hallway, air nuts, nothing, and more nothing.

And this paint job will hopefully be one of the last things I do in my mom's house to earn my keep - I'm officially house hunting. This is the real deal and I've already put together a list of potential places. There's a Victorian that I'm dying to look at... doesn't look too shabby from the outside - it does need some work, but nothing major - but I really want to see the inside before I get too excited. I've always wanted a Victorian though Of course my interest has already been tempered by my brother who insists that I not jump into anything... gee ya think? There's a lot that needs to happen before I sign on the dotted line... thanks for reminding me of the potential nightmare of buying a house.

I'm sure he means well, but I don't think he really knows me. When I find what I want, it's what I want and I know it. End of story. That's how it was with my car - I walked onto the lot, looked around, found my car, and said "I want to take that one out for a test drive". An hour later and I'm finishing up the paperwork. That's just how I am. And I'm sure that's how it will be with a house. I'll find one that really catches my eye, gives me a deep-seated good feeling, and I'll want to see more of it. If I like what I see, I'll take it to the next step. I'm not going to "jump" into anything... we're talking way too much money to "jump" into this!

That's my big news for the month - big, exciting (I'm excited! ) and even a wee bit scary. In a fun kind of way. There's a lot of change headed my way and I'm looking forward to it.

But not really...

Stinky the Skunk Killer doesn't stink of "skunk funk" as bad as she did, but still has a date with another round of bathing in the morning. It was supposed to be today, but she managed to escape her fate because I had to go shopping. Lucky dog.

I get to spend part of my weekend ripping out the carpeting in the back hallway... apparently Stinky was dripping that wonderful skunk funk juice when she came in the house because it still reeks of skunk. Thankfully, that's the only part of the house that still smells. The carpeting was coming out anyway so that's not that big a deal. But I had big plans this weekend and must now, sadly, put them on hold.

And since I'm going to be in the hall anyway, I figure it'll be a good time to begin the prep work for the long needed paint job that I've wanted to take care of this summer.

Aren't weekends supposed to be for relaxing?

Nature is a beautiful thing. Until it has a run in with your dog.

Last night about 11:30 I decided to head outside for one last cigarette. On my way out the door, the dog asked to go out so I took her with me. I'm standing outside in boxers, a t-shirt, and sandals enjoying the nicotine fix when I see a small black shape dart across the driveway towards the garage - a skunk. Before I can turn to find the dog and grab her, she flies by me moving faster than I've ever seen her move. She blindsides it, grabs it by the neck, and starts shaking it back and forth like a chew toy.

I just listed my motorcycle on craigslist... I've been trying to sell it for awhile now without luck (the closest I came was a caller who thought it was a car). The Fearless Leader suggested craigslist, since he's had some excellent success there. So the deed is done... and now I'm torn. On the one hand, it's in the way and would be a welcome source of income. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind hanging on to it, getting it road-worthy and going for a ride.

I'll just keep telling myself it's for a good cause. And it is... what I'm working on is going to require a lot of money.

But now would be a good time for my long-lost rich relatives to ring the doorbell though.

Just when I start posting regularly, I pop up to say "see ya!".

I've injured my wrist (save the lewd comments sickos!), so I need to stay away from the keyboard. Which sucks big damn balls - my book has been coming along nicely and I'm not crazy about a work stoppage right now. Especially since it's taken so long to get back to writing it.

But, with my wrist all screwed up I don't have a choice.

So, I'm outta here for a bit. See ya soon.

Figured I should pop up and actually write something of substance.

Still working on the book. I go from hating it to loving it to hating it again. Right now I've fallen into a groove so I'm loving it, but that could all change by tomorrow. Every word puts me closer to finishing the story I want to tell though... that's all I need to keep me going.

Work is shaping up to get a little more interesting. We have a new boss who sounds like he actually has a clue, but we'll see what happens. He officially starts on Monday, but he's been stopping in when time allows and has already made the call to replace my custom work request system with an off the shelf solution. Kinda sucks, but at least I don't have to listen to people bitch anymore.

I actually watched TV last night and enjoyed it. If you get a chance, check out Burn Notice - the series premiere was last night and I thought it was great. I laughed a few times and guffawed at least twice.

And now it is 12:52 A.M. - I got really sidetracked. Just killed a big fuckin' spider damn near the size of a nine volt battery. Yeesh.

I've got nothing... my side trip into la la land killed my concentration.

G'night.

I had a good day yesterday. I went north to see The Princess and after the hugs and kisses were distributed she played eye-contact avoidance with me:

T.P.: (Looking at the ground and speaking in a small voice) Ummmmmmmm Daddy?
Me: Ummmmmmmmm Abbie?
T.P.:(Watching ants crawl across the ground) Ummmmmmmmmmmm Daddy?
Me: Ummmmmmmmmmmmm Abbie?
T.P. (Gesturing wildly for me to come closer) Come here, I have to whisper sumthin'.

So I move closer and bend down to provide my ear for the whisperings that were almost bubbling over by this time.

T.P. (Cupping her hands around my ear and speaking in her tiny whisper voice) Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Daddy?
Me: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Abbie?
T.P. Can we go get ice cream?
Me: Of course we can.

And so the plans were made and preparations for departure were put off for about an hour so we could play with Chip and Dale and make puddles in the driveway. We made the trek down to the corner, got our ice cream and headed for home. Somehow I wound up getting more ice cream on my shirt than The Princess got on her dress... how I managed that, I dunno. But it was good ice cream and cheap too! Ninety-five cents for two whopping scoops - can't go wrong there I tells ya!

After we got back, we played with chalk on the driveway and I wrote out a dyslexic alphabet for The Princess. Things were going good until she started running in her flip flops (BIG NO-NO!) and wiped out on the drive... she gashed her poor little thumb on a brick and lost it. She wanted Jess to hold her and make it all better and then didn't want to let go. Jess was having a hard time trying to juggle The Princess and a plate so Grammy came in and saved the day by enticing her to go out and see the lightning bugs.

Poor little thing was so exhausted she passed out in Grammy's lap. I carried her up to bed and then got ready to leave. And then I was showered with goodness... I got a card from Abbie and one from Jess and then the Mother of All Father's Day presents was dropped on me - a snazzy 12 cup coffee maker!

And yes, before you ask, I already have a coffee maker - a dinky four cup job that I have to dick around with every morning so I can have a cup before I hit the shower and then have enough to fill my travel mug.

But isn't that good enough?

No, you ignorant peasants, it isn't!!! My new fat bastard has a timer! I can wake up to coffee! No more blindly shuffling through the routine of getting my coffee ready in the morning! No more trying to pour the water into the reservoir while I'm half asleep and missing! It's the best damn gift ever!

Hell, with all the time I'll save playing barista I might start getting to work early... nah, screw that.

I came home with the coffeemaker and a plate of lemon bars, which sends my diet into a tailspin, but they're lemon bars and they're damn good so screw it. So, to sum up, I had a great Father's Day (aside from the accident).

To all you fathers out there - I hope you had a great day too.

And for all you guys who don't have kids... I echo these sentiments... sorry.

The annual taco fest was yesterday and as usual, a lot of people who said they would definitely be there, weren't. I think everyone who did come had a good time (at least I hope they did), and I'm pretty sure the tacos were up to snuff.

I'm not complaining (even though it's going to sound like it), but I put a helluva lot of time and effort into this shindig, so when I have such a high number of no-shows, it's damn disappointing. It wouldn't be such a big deal if this was the first time it happened, but this is the third year in a row that it's happened.

So Mambo is dead. Done. Finished.

I was talking to Ed about scaling things down by only inviting the people I know will show and buying less food and supplies, and I might do that. But right now, I'm calling it - time of death: 1:15 A.M. on 5/28/07.

Die-hard taco fans - don't freak... I have a whole year to change my mind.

Because my tacos are damn good!

This might piss people off, but since things suck so much right now I just don't give a damn anymore.

For quite awhile now, there's been something bothering me. Most of the time, I suppress it and shove it in the junk drawer of my mind, forgetting it's there. But a lot of times, it lets itself out of the drawer and creeps through my head, silently stalking me until it pounces. Whenever I'm forced to address it, I'm always left with a rancid taste in my mouth.

The general impression I've received from some people is that the only reason I've tried to make my relationship with Jess work, the only reason I asked her to marry me, is our daughter.

Since, apparently, I'm too barbaric of a fuck to do anything motivated by love. Yeah, I decided to base all of my decisions solely on the fact that we have a child. Which would be the wrong reason to want to spend the rest of your life with somebody (as several people have pointed out to me in the past).

Somewhere in the past three years I grew up. I realized that I shouldn't be running from what I was really feeling. I realized I shouldn't fight it, but embrace it and love it. I realized that I shouldn't be afraid of the possibilities that my real feelings could bring. And apparently at that point, I lost some people. People who decided to get stuck on what my real motivations must be. Because, like I said, I'm too much of a thick-headed barbarian to do anything for love. I'm too stupid to comprehend what my feelings really mean. (I think it's important to note somewhere in here that the one person I really expected to think along these lines, never has or at least has never voiced it. Thanks for that. Thanks for believing that I am capable of doing things for and because of love.)

I've dealt with thinly veiled commentary about my relationship with Jess. The two or three people I've mentioned my latest woes to seemed to focus in on one aspect of the situation. Basically a "Well that sucks. I know how badly you wanted things to work out, what with your daughter and all." Well gee. Thanks.

I love my daughter very much, but it's time to get something straight so hopefully I can stop dealing with this. If we didn't have a daughter, I'd be just as much in love with Jess as I am now. And I'd be hurting just as much as I am right now over the situation we're in. I fell in love with her long before we had a daughter.

Now, read that over and try to digest it. Read it slowly if you have to, because I don't want any misunderstandings in the future.

Now, if you'd like to question my motivations about my relationship with Jess, kindly shut the fuck up and mind your own business.

And if I offended you, then good. You don't know how offensive it is to have your choices in life questioned repeatedly.

If I questioned people the way I've been questioned, I'd be castrated, declared an asshole, and then ignored.

/rant

Were I a religious man, I'd be on my knees thanking God right now.

Never mind.

God still hates me.

In hiding of course. What's that? Who am I hiding from?

You of course, you silly bastard!

Seriously though - I've been around. Life is sucking right now and just when I think the sucktitude is about to dissipate, it increases. So I've been doing stuff.

I've picked up my guitar for the first time in probably over a year. It's amazing what I've remembered and disgusting what I've forgotten. However, I can play a mean 'Itsy Bitsy Spider'. My daughter loves music and enjoys it when her Grampy pulls out his guitar so I've been learning some of her favorites - still have a lot to go though. She digs Laurie Berkner so I think, perhapsably, I should learn some of those tunes as well.

Still planning on more Captain Lego as soon as I can find an assistant **cough**Brad**cough**. I have ideas for the little plastic man - ideas that beg to see the light of day. Still planning on other miscellaneous films as well, but again, I'm looking for assistance **cough**Brad**cough**. Perhaps these glimpses of madness will also see the light of day sometime soon.

Writing, writing, and more writing. And from the writing, come the inklings of a plan which, hopefully, will beget sums of money unto me and mine. Or not. I suppose the most important thing with this plan is that once started, I absolutely must finish. You know, unlike all my other plans.

I've started painting.

Let that one sink in a bit, those of you who know me. I'm no great artist, not by a long shot, but damn is it therapeutic! It helps pass the time, calm my mind, and express myself in a visual manner. I wish I had known it had such benefits - I would've started sooner.

That's where I've been. Busy.

But even though I'm keeping busy, everything still sucks ass.

I went to a funeral today. My brother-in-law's mom passed away last Saturday. She was a sweet lady who suffered towards the end from physical and mental ailments. When I was younger, she would give me a big kiss on the cheek while slipping ten or twenty bucks in my hand and tell me what a good boy I was. Through out the day I listened to people talk about her and her life. I looked at pictures, recent ones with my nephews as well as ones that told their stories in black and white. I'm young, but I still felt the weight of my mortality resting heavily across my shoulders.

Life's hardest lesson - the one that all the health food, diets, and medicines won't stop you from learning - is just how finite our time on this earth is. Our time here is short and it's up to us to make the most of it.

When you're gone, what will your children and grandchildren say about you?

Happy Belated Father's Day to all you dads out there - I hope you had a great day yesterday, especially those of you who were celebrated for the first time this year.

My day sucked. Oh, it had promise. It could've been a great and wonderful day for me to spend time with Jess and the little Princess.

But I fucked that all up and got into a big fight with Jess instead. It was all my fault - I was in the wrong 100%. She was trying to tell me about something important to her and for whatever reason I got snippy as all shit with her. It was uncalled for, stupid, and childish. I spent the rest of my Father's Day alone thinking about how I ruined the day.

And all I can do is post to this blog. I can't talk to anyone else about my issues, because no one would understand. The only person who I could talk to about things - my Dad - died eight years ago today. Over the past eight years, a lot of people have tried to be there for me and offer 'fatherly' advice. Some of it I've listened to, some of it I haven't. For those people I haven't listened to, it's nothing personal. You're just not my Dad.

He was a good man. He was a hard-working man. He taught me a helluva lot. But, unfortunately he hasn't been here when I've really needed him. You see, of all the talents he possessed, his abilities to listen, reason, and offer advice were his greatest. He could always make things better, just by listening to my problem and offering up words that made it better. He didn't fix all of my problems, leaving me to deal with most of the messes I made for myself, but when I was in a bind he always offered advice.

He never let me act an ass. If I did and he found out about it, he put me in check and straightened me out. When I was younger and dumber (if that's even possible), we had a huge argument that ended with me packing a bag and declaring my intent to leave. He didn't lift a finger to stop me from packing. He did, however, pull his car right up on the ass end of mine and tell me that if I was leaving his house, I'd be leaving on foot. I opted for a bike ride up to the station where I was working since I didn't have anywhere else to go. Halfway there, I regretted my decision, but pressed on and wound up spending the night on the station floor. I woke up and stumbled home at five in the morning, leaving my bike behind. I stumbled into the house and muttered an apology for my idiocy before collapsing into bed to try and get some real sleep.

I never got the best of him. He was always there, ready to dish back out whatever I gave him and more. And he was always there to answer my questions and help me through my problems. I want to be as good a dad as my Dad was. I don't know if I could do better. But as it stands right now, I have a lot to learn before I come close to filling his sizeable shoes.

But he's been gone eight years. In eight years time I've done a fine job of fucking up, especially in the last five years, most certainly in the last three. And I definitely fucked up yesterday.

If my Dad had been around I still would've fucked up, but not as much as I have been. Definitely not in the last five years, and most certainly not in the last three. And I most certainly would NOT have been acting an ass yesterday. My Dad would've whooped my ass for yesterday, no matter my age.

Everyone has deserved a good ass-whooping at one point in their life or another. Yesterday was my day.

Problem was, there was no one around to hand it out.

... that "things are the same as usual" bit below is bullshit.

I haven't had a cigarette since last Wednesday night. Well, that's not true either. I cheated and had one on Tuesday, but none since then. I'm trying to quit smoking and I'm ready to fuckin' kill someone!

I never realized how annoying the people around me could be until I tried to deal with them without the aid of nicotine. Seriously. I've almost earned myself a lifetime pass to the finest six-by-six accomodations that the Illinois Department of Corrections has to offer at least a dozen times over.

Let's just say I'm fragile and leave it at that. Don't be surprised if you talk to me and I rip your head off and shit down your neck. It's a very informative phase in my life. I've discovered that there is a much darker side to me than I ever realized.

Oh, and I eat puppies too.

... people always know me and know everything about me and my life. The way people know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what's running through my mind.

They're so good at it, I might start consulting them before I make anymore decisions on how to run my life.

But I didn't. I decided to make a decision on my own.

I didn't bend. I wasn't swayed. I thought long and hard about my choices.

And decided on my own.

Remember that.

You ever read something you temporarily forgot about (and that the author probably forgot about) and go, "Hmmm... I'm a real fuck up!"

I just did.

I destroyed someones world. I felt awful about it then. I feel worse about it now.

Penance... my life is penance for what I did. Everything that happened, is happening, and will happen could have been avoided if I had only had a fucking clue.

For once, everything truly is my fault.

I'm the biggest asshole to ever breathe. Remember that the next time you think I'm a nice guy or go to describe me as such.

I haven't exactly been having the greatest week and with it only being Tuesday, I'm sure I'll require therapy by Friday. My week got even better when I found out today that my favorite band of all time, the band that could provide me with a release from everything that was wrong in the world, has broken up.

Cold is no more.

Boy I sure dropped off the radar, didn't I?

I've been a busy little boy. I've spent a lot of time writing, a lot of time kicking ideas around in my head for some live-action projects at Sacrificial Ferret, and a lot of time on working out some stuff for Captain Lego.

I'd just like to say that trying to figure out how to create special effects without any help is a bitch. But I cranked out a couple of things that are kind of cool and may serve my purposes.

I've also spent a lot of time thinking.

Surprisingly enough, I haven't really been pissed off about anything lately. Nothing to rant about here. Yoda tried to fire me up into a rant about people buying cell phone records, but I just couldn't do it.

2006 - The Year Of The Kinder, Gentler Dave.

I think I'm sick or something. Yeah, that's gotta be it.

There's nothing like taking a sick day and venturing into the massive cesspool known as daytime TV.

I woke up just in time to catch Maury Povich. His first guest?

Some nasty skank who had been on the show a total of six times (including today's appearance) and had tested eight different guys to try and find her two-year-old son's father. Number eight wasn't the father and spent about a minute making the swear-word bleeper earn his pay.

Eight different guys.

How skanky are you when after testing eight guys, you still don't know who your baby's daddy is? And exactly how many guys have you fucked and in how short of a time span to make it so hard for you to find the father?

Damn... I used to think I knew what being a skank was...

Thanks to Maury, now I know better.

I'm feeling like major shit right now. Feverish and weak... just the way I love to feel on a Sunday night.

On top of my health eating shit, I'm afraid that my long-held optimism on certain things is about to fall to the axe of reality. Pretty depressing.

Oh well.

Who gives a shit anyway?

Today was my mom's birthday.

She turned 70 and she's still getting around, although a little slower than she used to. She's still working and even though she complains about her job, if she could work next year she would.

My mom is the sweetest person I know. She'll go out of her way to help you out if she can. Piss her off though, and she has all the piss and vinegar of a rabid dog who's food is being taken away. (Gee... I wonder where I got my temper from...)

Happy Birthday, Ma!

Sorry for the lack of posting... I've been pulling overtime at The Seventh Level Of Hell and trying to set up a website for a friend. These two activities combined have left me with little time for anything else.

And now, it seems my burning of the candle at both ends has caught up with me. This is evidenced by the headache that will not go away and my throat feeling like I tried to gargle with glass shards. Fun stuff there, I tell ya! On top of that is the zombie feeling that I can't shake and an inability to form complete coherent thoughts.

So I bid you all a goodnight, but not before I plug Child's Play:

As of 11/28, Child's Play has raised $185,000! If you've donated, thanks! If not, please consider doing so by making a monetary donation or buying a gift from the wish list that's linked in the right sidebar.

I passed my tests!

I scored 87% on the software exam and 84% on the hardware exam. I was pretty confident about the software exam, but started having doubts in the middle of the hardware exam. By the time I was done I was sure that the number of questions I had answered incorrectly would be enough to give me a failing result.

Surprise, surprise.

BAM! I'm an Apple Ho! It's official too... I show up as certified on Apple's certification website.

I'm glad it's over. Now to start studying for next year's re-certification.

I had a great time in AZ... just what the doctor ordered.

Friday, Bea and I went up to the Grand Canyon. It was incredible! I've got pictures that I'm going to add to the gallery as soon as I can, but they don't do it justice. If you ever get the chance, go see the Grand Canyon... it's a very grand canyon indeed.

The rest of the weekend we were lazy asses... but I'm not complaining. It was nice to just sit for a change, instead of running all over the fucking place. Even after coming home and going back to work, I feel calmer than I have in a loooooong time. Tired, but calm.

And then I came home. Bleh. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried a wee bit waiting to get on the plane and I'm not the only one who did. I guess that's what comes from not seeing someone for a long time. Or something.

But I had a great time, I feel relaxed, and I hope I can get out there again.

The holiest of holy days was, for the most part, a good day. The best part was the pleasant surprise of a box from Amazon.

Bea got me the Snatch DVD and The Chronicles of Narnia Boxed Set off of my wishlist.

A pleasant surprise and very much appreciated. Thanks Bea!

I shouldn't have to remind you about tomorrow. You already know what it is.

It's Christmas In September!!!! The greatest damn day on Earth!!!

Your shopping should be done and I should wake up to a semi full of gifts in front of my house.

If you haven't done your shopping yet, well...

If you don't get it done...

... I'm over-nighting this kitten to Galveston, Texas.

Next Thursday I'm getting on a plane and going to Arizona so me and Bea can drink lots of coffee, smoke lots of cigarettes, and come up with ways to get arrested overthrow the governments of the world and achieve total domination.

How's that for a mini vacation?

The downfall to this is I'm going to be out of town for Ed's birthday. Not that he usually makes a big deal out of birthdays or anything.

I used a ticket that I've had since last year and had to use it by October 4th, so next weekend was the only good time to go.

But I feel bad for missing my brother-man's birthday.

Sorry bro.

This is the last week for Christmas In September shopping!

For your shopping convenience, I have Amazon and ThinkGeek wish lists.

If neither of those are viable options, I like to read, love music, and appreciate cards or emails of "Happy Birthday, Asshole"

As to my previous request for close friends, my needs in that regard have been met for the time being. If I need something along those lines in the future (which could very well happen), I will ask.

So far, everything I've posted about my relationship with Jess has been all the crappy things that have happened. All the things that piss me off or that I don't agree with. Although I paint a vivid picture using broad strokes from the paintbrush of anger, you should all know that we have had good times together.

But I don't usually talk about them because this is my rant space. This is my little corner where I can vent about what I feel I need to. This is my coffee and cigarettes at Bob & Anne's. I suppose Bea is right... by nature, we focus on the bad.

I have focused on the bad.

But there has been good as well.

That last post is the result of a conversation I had with Yoda. He told me I wasn't going to get sympathy from him about the driving thing. I said fine, since I wasn't looking for it, but I've been dwelling on it all week.

I don't like to think that I'm coming across as wanting sympathy.

Advice... I could use plenty of. And as always, Yoda was there with some damn good advice.

The question is, will I be smart enough to heed it?

When I post about shit I'm dealing with, I'm not trolling for sympathy. When I moan about driving, I'm not trolling for your sympathy. The driving aspect to the situation from a couple of days ago is more representative of deeper issues surrounding my relationship with Jess.

Don't get me wrong - I'm pissed about them not coming down here. My mom doesn't get to see Abby very often and we all know the likelihood of me being allowed to go up there, get Abby, and come back down here is low, considering that in a year and a half it's happened a total of 3 or 4 times. And no, my mom is not going up there to see her.

My mom is 70 years old, works 40 hours a week, and lives with constant pain. She's not as spry as she used to be and arthritis has become her constant tormentor. When she comes home from work, she falls asleep. After going shopping on the weekends, she comes home, plans on doing housework, and falls asleep. Instead of spending her retirement years relaxing and enjoying her grandchildren, she's slowly working herself to death. And the last thing she wants to do is sit in a car and have her legs start cramping up on her.

I don't think she should have to make trips to Wisconsin to see her youngest (and favorite, I might add) granddaughter. Don't agree? Fine. Opinions are like assholes and everyone has one.

I want my daughter to know her grandparents because I never got that opportunity. But I want her to know all of her grandparents. Not just one set of them.

So, yes, I'm pissed when people won't come down here.

But I sure as fuck ain't trolling for your god damned sympathy.

Remember that.

I took this test and wound up with:

Humphrey Bogart You scored 33% Tough, 23% Roguish, 42% Friendly, and 4% Charming! You're the original man of honor, rough and tough but willing to stick your neck out when you need to, despite what you might say to the contrary. You're a complex character full of spit and vinegar, but with a soft heart and a tender streak that you try to hide. There's usually a complicated dame in the picture, someone who sees the real you behind all the tough talk and can dish it out as well as you can. You're not easy to get next to, but when you find the right partner, you're caring and loyal to a fault. A big fault. But you take it on the chin and move on, nursing your pain inside and maintaining your armor...until the next dame walks in. Or possibly the same dame, and of all the gin joints in all the world, it had to be yours. Co-stars include Ingrid Bergman and Lauren Bacall, hot chicks with problems.

Found via Acidman who, incidentally, got John Wayne. Very fitting.

First off, I'm okay. Number four was the limit last night, but four shots in about half an hour is a sure fire way for me to get a little loopy.

The point of this post though, is Christmas In September. Plans are changing.

If you're a close personal friend and were planning on getting me something, but haven't done so yet, please email me for a new birthday request.

If you've already done your holiday shopping, thanks!

If you're not a close friend, but feel like spoiling a stranger on his birthday, a book or CD from the wish lists in this post would be awesome.

I remember saying or writing something once about how I know I can depend on you guys if I ever hit rock bottom.

Considering I'm about to go down shot number 5, I think I'm there.

Maybe I'll skip it and go to bed.

Meh.

Apparently, I've been hostile all week.

This may come as shock to those of you who have seen me or spoken to me during the week.

From now on, you can just refer to me as "Mr. Hostility".

It has a ring to it, don't you think?

For clarification purposes:

"To meet half way, literally, to go half the distance between in order to meet (one); hence, figuratively, to yield or concede half of the difference in order to effect a compromise or reconciliation with.

Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc."

From dictionary.com

In case there's any confusion or misunderstanding.

Today is the day! Cold's new album, "A Different Kind Of Pain" hits the stores.

To celebrate, I've put up a "Cold Player". It requires Macromedia Flash so if you want to hear what I've been listening to almost non-stop for the past several months update your plugins.

As a Cold fan, I think this is going to be their best album to date and if you're a rock music fan I encourage you to give them a listen. If you want to test the waters, then use the player or if you're an iTunes user, download their single, "Happens All The Time". A link is provided in the sidebar under the player. Ready to buy the CD? I've provided an easy-to-use Amazon link under the player as well.

Couple of notes:

- The player is serving up three songs from the new album. They aren't the greatest quality (I think they were recorded off of a radio show and then transferred to a pc for mp3 conversion).
- When you hit play, give the player a couple of seconds to process the mp3 and start playing. The same is true when skipping between songs. If I had had more time, I would've included a progress bar so you wouldn't have to fly blind.
- For you legal-eagle types... I found four songs via Cold's website... I'm sure if they didn't want them being shared, people would've been sued and jailed a loooong time ago. I didn't use the fourth song because of the quality.

We are now well through August and I felt it was necessary to remind everyone of the holiest of holy holidays. As always I have ye old Amazon wish list for your shopping convenience.

I also have a wish list at ThinkGeek because when you think geek I know you think me.

And just a reminder... Christmas In September will be the last holiday I will be accepting gifts for. If things work out, Christmas will be something special this year.

I never know what to say when something bad happens to someone. I usually fumble for words and do a lot of 'uh huh-ing' and 'mmm-ing'.

But today while talking to someone I think I did OK just listening and letting them do the talking.

I really hope it helped.

I'm here if you need anything.

I'm talking about Christmas In September, the greatest damn holiday of the year!

That's right! My birthday is coming, so it's time to start preparing to shower me with gifts.

Yes, I know it's only July 18th... but Christmas In September will be the last gift-giving opportunity for those of you who usually get me something. I will not be accepting Christmas gifts this year for reasons that I will explain later.

So, hit that list and start shopping now!!!

Note: I haven't always been so celebratory about my birthday. It was only recently that I decided to get crazy about it.

My alcoholic brother is a real prick. But that's old news. He's a real bullshitter too. If you listen to him long enough you could very well find yourself believing that, not only was he raised by wolves in the wild, but he was also responsible for the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

I had the extreme displeasure of talking to him a few minutes ago. A while back, he brought this kid that was working for him over to look at my bike since it's for sale. The kid was pretty interested... he just didn't have the cash. No biggie... my brother was there to save the day! He (supposedly) was going to get the kid a job at Target and all sorts of other bs, so he could get the money together to buy the bike.

Well now the kid is suing my brother because my brother never paid him for the work he did. Hmmm... there seems to be a pattern to how my brother operates, since he did the same thing to me about eight years ago.

Anyway, I'm talking to him and he tells me this woman who has 'adopted' him wants to talk to me (Adopted is in quotes, because he likes to talk about how this woman has been like a mother to him and blah blah blah). So I start talking to this woman and she's asking me if the bike is okay. I'm a little confused and tell her that, outside of it needing a new battery, the bike is fine and ready to sell. She tells me she heard it had been destroyed by the kid.

Ahhh... now it makes sense! To strengthen his case against the kid with his 'Adopt-O-Mom', he told her the kid came back to my house and trashed my bike.

What a prick. I really can't stand the guy. He lies to everybody he meets, he's fucked over his real family more times than I can count, and he plays the victim so well that people he barely knows have opened their doors to him so he could fuck them over too.

I know all this, I expect all this and it doesn't bother me.

What does bother me is when he starts dragging me into his fucking lies.

Prick.

Heatwave II, Ed's annual poker gala, is this Saturday. Last year I walked away with $144. I'm not so sure how I'll do this year. Last year, there were several real money games before the event, so I was comfortable going into a higher stakes game since I had played for money before.

I can't remember the last time we played for money but I have the sneaking suspicion it was last year's Heatwave. I may be wrong, but it doesn't matter. To say I'm worried about losing my ass would be an understatement. I'm petrified. I'm going into this game cold, against people I've never played with before.

This is not good. But I guess we'll see how it turns out.

Fuck it. Win or lose, it's all about the food!

I've been thinking lately about how I've been slacking in doing the things I usually don't slack in...

Someone shoot me for that horrible sentence... please...

Anyway, me and Big L were talking about it at work last week. Lately I've been in this "don't-really-wanna-do-anything-but-I-know-I-have-to" funk. The bills that I used to pay ahead of time are now being paid just in time. The writing assignments that I used to have turned in on time are now weeks, if not months, late. I did everything for my taco party last minute. Usually I'm still doing last minute things the morning of the party, but this year was down to the wire. Hell, I haven't even been cashing checks in a timely manner. Last week I put a check in the bank that was dated March 13th.

I don't get it. Granted, I've never been one to get things done months ahead of time, but the fact that I'm leaving shit to the very last minute is somewhat troubling. Me and Big L were talking about it again this morning. On a work level he says he noticed my slacker ways really kicking in right after the pay scale incident. That may be true, but my slacking outside of work has been going on for a while.

Ask Ed and Krissy. I used to show up at their place pretty much when I said I would. And then I hit this funk and now none of us has a clue as to when I'll actually show. I didn't used to be like this!

What the hell is wrong with me? Big L has put forward a theory of depression. I don't think I'm depressed. Then again, maybe I am. I don't know!!!

It could be stress. My life isn't without stress (whose life isn't?), but lately I've been super-stressed about some things. I dunno.

All I know is something is wrong. Shit, the fact that TCC isn't done yet should be an indicator. I LOVE Legos... it shouldn't be so damn hard to play with them!

Sayonara... who knows when I'll post again... the rate I'm going with this slacking thing, it might not be until next year.

For the past couple of days I've been feeling kind of shitty, but it wasn't anything I couldn't deal with.

I woke up this morning in raging agony. My head was pounding and my stomach felt like someone was scooping it out with a spoon.

How wonderful.

Especially since I don't have time to be sick. I have shit to do at work and a party to plan for. This is not helping.

Of course, neither is all the fucking banging the roofers are doing while putting a new roof on the house.

I am the master of impeccable timing.

As I write this there's approximately 2 days, 3 hours, 43 minutes, and 15 seconds until Episode III.

Until we see Anakin fall to the Dark Side.
Until we see the collapse of the Republic.
Until we see the seeming end of the Jedi Order
Until we see the birth of the Empire.

Until we see a PG-13 rated Star Wars film...

Now that's what I'm talking about. Can I get a hell yeah?

I'm headin' out to stand in line at Toys'R'Us. They're opening at midnight for the release of Episode III merchandise.

There will be legos... I must go.

Because I love all of my lego 'crap'.

But you already knew that.

There's nothing like saying you're going to do something, doing it, and then having someone basically accuse you of not doing it.

And that's fine, because I did it.

Because I said I would.

'Nuff said.

Thinking about the whole pain thing is bothering me.

I used to have a pretty decent tolerance for pain, but now it seems like I'm getting soft.

I guess that's what I get for working in an office-like environment - pussification.

Fuck... maybe I should become a carpenter.

Since Saturday night a tooth that I had a filling done on in December has been bothering me. Saturday night it wasn't a big deal... just a minor annoyance. Sunday it was still a minor annoyance. Monday it began to surpass the minor annoyance threshold and started bothering me when I ate, drank, or smoked.

This morning at about four o'clock it decided to move into "Fuck You, I'm Going To Make Your Life Miserable" territory. I woke up with an elephant dancing on the right side of my mouth. I tossed and turned for about an hour and then passed out. I woke up an hour later and the pain had doubled. I stumbled downstairs and tried rinsing my mouth out with cold water.

The water felt wonderful. I downed a couple of tylenol and watched the news. About quarter to seven, the pain wasn't any better and I was feeling like shit on top of the tooth problem. I was having a hard time thinking straight. I called into work and laid down on the couch. At nine I called the dentist and explained my dilemma.

The earliest they could see me was three-thirty. I spent the next six hours thrashing on the couch in discomfort. I finally got to the dentist and heard what I thought I'd hear... root canal.

Oh yay.

It's scheduled for Thursday and I'm stuck with suffering until then. Yeah I was prescribed something for the pain... BUT IT SURE AS FUCK ISN'T HELPING!!!

I'm in some real fucking agony right now. And I'm plenty pissed off too. Bad combination.

You'll notice the little sidebar decreeing my degree of anal raping by the SOW is gone.

I got a letter from them today acknowledging my final payment and declaring their reign of terror over. The debt owed to them has been paid in full and I am a free man.

Plus The Grape™ is paid off!!! We own her free and clear!!!

Happy New Year indeed!

...hearing from my ex-fiancée, going out for coffee and becoming friends again. But don't take that to mean it's strange in a bad way. It's just strange to be getting along with someone I thought I'd never get along with again.

She's asked me to do the videography for her wedding in March... I'm thinking about it, but it's an ass-load of responsibility. What if I fuck it up and it turns out horrible?

But anywho... that's my strange event of the year.

I'm going to check out The Cos at the grand re-opening of our wonderful 'way the fuck over budget" remodeled local theater.

They're starting with Bill Cosby - hopefully he won't be the only big name to perform there and we get our money's worth over the next several years.

Especially since we'll most likely be paying for the damn overrun for the next twenty or so years.

I said good-bye to my daughter today. I won't see her for thirteen days... which doesn't seem like a long time I guess, but it does to me.

And this sucks ass.

I am going nuts with trying to keep up with everything I have to do. Work is keeping me busy enough... we won't even talk about it. Rest assured, things never change and my place of employment is full of complete fucking morons, with new, dumber morons being hired all the time. Ahhh... it's wonderful.

And then there's all the movie stuff I'm working on (or trying to work on) at home:

"21 Years Of Krystal: Special Edition" - The birthday present from Hell! The special edition will include everything I didn't have time to finish before presentation time as well as an alternate audio track and some other goodies. Ed's gonna be helping out with this, so completion time depends on our respective schedules.

"Dave Does Dallas" - A heartwarming tale of a young man seeking as much love as $2 will buy in Dallas, Texas. Need I say more?

Add in a healthy dosage of time with The Grape™, Thanksgiving cleaning (yes I need to clean this early), an RC nitro truck that won't fucking run, and regular home maintenance shit and I'm a busy little boy.

But I won't be too busy to vote on the 2nd. For damn sure.

Unfortunately, the Wasted-Years War Machine has lost it's funding due to a number of unforeseen events, so I'm doing nothing about it. I can't afford a lawyer anymore. Sure, I can file all the paperwork and go it alone, but I have a habit to overlook mundane details that eventually come back and bite me in the ass. If I'm going to go to court, I want to get what I'm asking for - my parenting time in my home. The only way I'd feel confident is with a lawyer covering my ass. So I'm doing nothing.

Except:

waking up every morning and crying.
going to work and crying.
coming home at the end of the day and crying.
going to bed and lying awake until three in the morning, crying.
wanting to break and destroy stuff and crying instead.

I haven't really had a good night's sleep in a long time. I'm constantly sick to my stomach and I think I'm developing an ulcer. At the very least, I've had a constant case of heartburn that will not leave.

I have a writing assignment that was due in August that I haven't even started... even though I've tried numerous times over the past three weeks. I have work up the ass to do and have a hard time concentrating on doing one thing at a time, let alone the three or four things I need to get done.

I'm a constant wreck, putting on my happy face for all to see so I can get through the day, tear it off and cry until I've cried myself dry.

I'm falling apart.

That's what I'm doing about it.

You ever get to a point in your life when you've had to make a crucial decision but couldn't? Or didn't want to?

I'm at that point and it sucks ass.

Krissy can be a real pain in my ass sometimes... especially when it concerns this.

But it's always nice to know that people care.

I'm a changed man. I witnessed the birth of my daughter and I don't have the words to describe the emotions I experienced when I saw her enter this world, screaming to warn everyone she had arrived.

In the days since Saturday, I've realized a lot about how I live my life and how much has to change. The biggest thing is that I have to quit smoking. My constant want to slowly kill myself was never a big deal to me. I've tried to quit before, but I've only managed to cut down. Now I'm going to quit. And that's all there is to it.

I also need to take better care of myself in general. Watch what I eat, what I drink, that sort of thing. It's going to be hard, but I'm sure I can do it. I've got the greatest reason in the whole world now. And as soon as it gets a little warmer, I'm thinking about getting out and running and wiping the dust off of my old mountain bike.

My daughter is beautiful. She's healthy. And I want to stick around as long as I can to watch her grow up.

On Saturday, the most beautiful, wonderful contribution I could ever have made to this shitty world arrived. And I am forever changed.

Be warned dear readers - this is a long one...

Let me start off by saying I hate my life. Please note that I don't hate the fact that I'm alive and want to kill myself over it, rather I hate the state of my life. I hate what it's become. I hate what I've let it become. And it's all my fault. It's my decisions that got me here and I have no one else to blame.

I had the opportunity to go to college, when life was simpler and I had no worries. I had the opportunity to really make something of myself. I held that opportunity in my hands like a fragile porcelain doll, and with a string of poorly thought out choices, threw it to the ground where it shattered into a million pieces.

While the majority of the people I graduated high school with were away at college preparing for the real world, I was hanging out at friend's houses smoking weed and getting drunk. To feed these habits, I worked the night shift at the Amoco (Now BP - what a screwjob) station my Dad's friend owns, sitting around and bullshitting with every societal reject you can imagine, from a kid who was in constant trouble with the police to a drunkard who came in New Year's Eve and insisted he would be safe, because with a snap of his fingers, he was invisible.

When I should have been starting my sophomore year of college, I went to work for the school district that I had tried so hard to get away from. The job was awesome. That first year I worked with kids that had emotional problems. My heart went out to them and some nights I cried about the lives they were forced to live, with parents who either weren't there or didn't give a shit. But, these kids could still laugh and be kids and I think it was their innocence that allowed them to do so. It was that innocence that I was drawn to... life was beginning to get complicated and it was refreshing to see a child whose biggest concern was homework and remember what it was like.

During this time, I continued to party and drift though life, not realizing (or not wanting to realize) that I would have to change at some point in time. I was hanging around with people I called friends who in retrospect took more than they gave. I was in a relationship with someone I thought I loved. And I suppose I did.

That summer, my Dad died. He had a massive heart attack while he was at work and was down, not breathing for ten minutes, before the paramedics got there. No one there, to my knowledge, attempted to assist him in any way, except his asshole boss who made it a point to punch him out so he wouldn't be paid for dying on the floor. I lived for three days in hospitals, three needless days praying to god for a miracle. But it was over. It was over when the paramedics transported him to the hospital.

I remember getting the phone call. I remember freaking out because my Mom was on her way back from Springfield with my sister and I couldn't get a hold of her. I remember calling my brother's wife to have her call him at work. I remember calling Chris, because I couldn't remember anyone else's phone number. I remember my Dad being transported to Lutheran General by a Flight For Life helicopter and the compassion in the pilot's eye's when she told me they'd take good care of him. I remember speaking at the funeral service, but I don't remember what I said.

Most of all, I remember the last time I saw my Dad alive. He was sitting on the couch, doing a crossword puzzle. I almost asked him if he wanted to go out for coffee, but he looked so at ease and relaxed I decided not to. Now I would sell my soul for that cup of coffee.

This chain of events led to the disappearance of religion from my life. After the funeral, there was a lunch type thing at the church or something, I can't remember. I remember having to get out of there. And I remember the woman stopping me at the door, telling me about how easy it was to come back through that door into the land of god, where everything is milk and honey. Between my unanswered prayers and that woman, I decided god and the whole idea of religion could go fuck their collective selves.

The rest of the summer was equally eventful. I cheated on my girlfriend. And then I got back together with her. My Mom took out a lot of aggression on me. I felt like shit. My Mom and brother plotted to send me to Springfield. I smoked more weed. I drank more beer. I continued to drift.

When I should have been starting my junior year of college, I was starting off in a new school, in a new program. This year I was working with behavior disorder kids. These are the kids who get pissed off and flip desks over if they don't like how things are going. This year was better than the one before. The school was incredible, the teacher I worked with was cool (still is) and a hottie, and I felt like I belonged. Some people told me I should go to school and be a teacher. I thought about it, but decided I liked to party more.

Somewhere during this time period, I cheated on my girlfriend again. This is where I started to realize that she wasn't as great as I thought. This is also where she started to run up my credit cards, bitching and moaning about wanting things. And of course, she couldn't get a job. I drifted through this year, and when I should have been starting my senior year of college, settled in for another year of working with kids.

During this time, the girlfriend helped increased my debt load (thanks doll), and I got more and more fed up with it. We fought a lot about stupid things which were just a cover up for the bigger problems. Like a fucking retard I bought her a ring and we talked about how magnificent and glorious the wedding would be. She did anyway. I just nodded and said 'uh huh'. Shockingly enough though, during this time I took a couple of college classes. Yup. A whole two classes. Wow.

When I should have had a degree in hand and been out looking for a job, I was without a degree and waiting for a computer technician job to open up in the district. I interviewed for a job in Skokie that paid $38K starting. I turned down the follow up interview when I found out I had a good chance of getting the job where I was already working. I turned down $11k to be close to home because of my shitty, getting ready to die car. If I could only change things in the past...

With my first paycheck from the new job, I went out and bought a motorcycle. It wasn't my Harley, but it was a bike and I could hopefully sell it in a couple of years and get my Harley. The bike is still sitting in my garage and I haven't ridden it since last summer (Summer of '02). It's never been truly broken in and has 165 miles on the odometer.

I went through that fall, getting a handle on the new job and falling into a routine. This routine included several fights with the now-fiancee. The most memorable ones were the ones where I wouldn't give her any dick. She was in college full time and living off of me since she couldn't get a part-time job or her grades would fall (even without a job to weigh her down, she managed to fail a music class). I had had enough of that shit. In January, I dumped her fat ass. And immediately felt happier. A week after I dumped her, she was already going out with four guys to go 'bowling' (more like cock-gobbling). Her parents bought her a brand new car (which she totaled in Chicago about six months later).

She tried to get me to take her back. And she sank as low as she could by using pregnancy as her weapon of choice. It was going well until I made her take a test which came up negative. I didn't look back. If I had, the emotional pain I was in would probably have caused me to go nuts. I had a failed fling with a girl named Bea. I would eventually go through it a total of three times before I said enough is enough.

I hooked up with Jessie and if you want the story on that you can go here for the story. To sum it up, we're not together, she's pregnant, and I'm still drifting. Which I guess is the point behind all this. I've spent all my 'adult life' drifting. Every opportunity that's handed to me, I piss it away. My life is fucked up and I am the only one I have to blame.

I'm twenty-five years old, I live with my mother, I work in a dead-end job where I have no hope of advancement, my skills are in low demand so I can't find a better job, I can't afford to go back to school and even if I could I don't know if I would have the energy to, and in five months I'm going to be a father. In five months, I'm going to be responsible for the life of another human being and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

You see, I have spent some of the most formative years of my life just drifting. I have drifted from one scene to another, from one woman to another, from one mindset to another. That's all I have done is drift, and piss away my life. And now, when I really need to be prepared for real life, I'm stuck running in the red, trying to play catch up. And I don't know if I can.

I've wasted some of the most important years of my life on people who only wanted me around for either entertainment purposes or because I could give them something. I've wasted time, energy, and money on people and things that were not deserving.

These are my wasted years. And my wasted years are my life.

There's a game life plays
Makes you think you're everything they ever said you were
Like to take some time
Clear away everything I planned

Was it life I betrayed
For the shape that I'm in
It's not hard to fail
It's not easy to win
Did I drink too much
Could I disappear
And there's nothing that's left but wasted years

There's nothing left but wasted years

If I could change my life
Be a simple kind of man
Try to do the best I can
If I could see the signs
I'd derail every path I could
Now I'm about to die
Won't you clear away from me
Give me strength to fly away

Was it life I betrayed
For the shape that I'm in
It's not hard to fail
It's not easy to win
Did I drink too much
Could I disappear
And there's nothing that's left but wasted years

There's nothing left but wasted years

"Wasted Years" - Cold