November 14, 2005
New Beginnings
It has been a long and harsh road. Endured a lot of pain, a lot of sorrow. I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I actually do not see it yet, I just see the glimpse of a ray, not the entire thing. It sure has been a roller coaster of emotions. Laughter, tears, numbness, loneliness, joy. A lot of masks have been worn. I am still overwhelmed, however, I do not feel as if I am suffocating, as if I can't breathe. Instead, I feel everything around me, but I don't feel it pressing down on me, it is as if I'm in the middle of it all and everything is just swirling around me, but I'm not moving. I'm just floating as a nucleus, looking out at everything going around, and trying to figure out which one of these things I am going to deal with first. This weekend was a powerful one. One of enlightment, regenerationg, reinvention, rebirth, a new beginning. The demons I had inside, are actually tamed. They are still there, those thoughts, but they are at peace at the moment. Yes, there will always be something that will wake them up and the thoughts of distrust, confussion, vengeance, anger, frustration are bound to awaken, but for now, they are hibernating. It's winter after all. When will they wake up? I don't know. All I know is that they are still there, but for now I am just going to let them rest until I have to deal with them. It is hard to reach a point of peace with your demons. Usually the turmoil is neverending and exhausting. No rest. For me to be at this point, is an accomplishment. This positive energy flow is amazing. I feel as if I have a new stream of thoughts, ideas, and elements flowing inside of me. It's rather extraordinary. It has been such a long time since I've experienced that. Things seem to move at a slower pace now, they are still crazy and overbearing, but I don't feel it; instead, they are moving in slow motion. Fresh starts are amazing, it's like falling off the bull, then jumping on it again to catch it by the horns, but this time, you are not going to let it kick you off to the ground, this time, you are hanging on until the very end!
