July 26, 2005
The Wheels Keep On Turning
Hmmm... it's just mind boggling to see time just going by no matter what it is that has happened in one's life, to one's self, or to those surrounding us. It's sometimes as if I'm standing outside of my body watching everything happen, unable to do something about it. I try to scream, I try to run, I can't. I'm petrified, I'm silent, I'm trapped! It's as if a river is just flowing in front of me and it doesn't stop, it just keeps going. The current seems calm on the surface but in the darkness of its bottomless depths there are powerful swirls of water going downward, taking everything in sight without discrimination. That's a glimpse to my life. My life just seems together, nicely drawn, but in reality it's nothing but a mess, waiting to get reorganized, but somehow, as soon as I put one thing in order, the other falls right back where is was... I hate it!!! Talk about keeping busy, reinventing, surviving, and reorganizing goals, life, dreams, family, friends, and one's self. Sometimes I feel as if I'm hanging on to one of the hands of a mill, flying and hanging for dear life. It's a never-ending ride!!! It keeps on turning and turning and I can't seem to find a way to jump off. Turning, turning, turning...
July 13, 2005
Abyss of Darkness
Shadows surrounding me tight, as if their grasp is suffocating me... I can't breathe, I can't see, there is nothing but a swirl of wind against my face. I feel the movement engulfing me, an endless fall into darkness. How long will this last? I don't know. I can't see a thing, I just feel the wind, the knots in my stomach are so tangled deep inside, I feel I'm going to burst. I wave my arms, to ease the shock, but nothing is working, I feel I'm going to die. I try to balance against the pressure, is there an end to all this repression? I'm scared I cannot lie, I don't know what's at the end. I want to just wake up and pretend it is all unreal. I keep falling into the darkness, I can't see a thing, I'm just falling and falling, waiting for everything to come. Wake up! I tell myself. I can't, because it's reality and not a dream nor nightmare. The wind is getting sharper, it stings my face, my arms, my legs, it's coming on faster. Is it about to end? I don't know! I can't breathe, I can't see, I am suffocating deep.
July 8, 2005
It Makes no Sense...
It all starts with life being exciting, and everything going great, then out of the blue, your life turns upside down and everything starts going downhill. WHY? It just makes no sense. Everything was going great, new car, new life, new boys (nothing serious since I have just gotten out of a 2 year fucked up relationship!), back out with friends and life is grand. Then all of a sudden crap just starts happening left and right, especially with family. My family is the utmost important part of my life, and everything that happens affects me in a great manner. Yes, I do believe that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, but then how much can a person take before she feels like jumping off a cliff? Don't worry, I'm not contemplating suicide. What I am saying is that lately life has taken the most unexpected turns, and I feel the car I'm driving is swerving left and right, trying to regain control before it goes overboard. I wish sometimes that I could stop and freeze time, to get a breather so I can figure out how to deal with things. Everything comes at you so fast that you hardly have any time to react. By the time you make a decision, it's either too late or you made the wrong choice. I don't believe in regret, that's the worst a person can do to his/herself. One has to accept mistakes and learn from them. It's good to look back and analyze but don't beat yourself over the choices you've made, it's not worth it. You have to look at the situation, what you did, and what the outcome was, and if it worked then it was great, and if it did not, then obviously one won't make the same decision again. Easier said than done, I know that. I try to live the present moment and not worry about the future much or the troubles that lie ahead, instead I try to live today. Today, however, is not the greatest of places and you wish you could just press the fast-forward button of life and move on to the next chapter, the one where you are stronger and happier, the place that bears the light you see at the end of the tunnel. I don't want to deal with the pain, the tears, the stress, the heaviness in my heart. It hurts too much to bear at times, and you start wondering how you can go on another day when all you see surrounding you is darkness. Yes, there is always hope, but sometimes it's just so faint, that you start doubting. I do believe in God, a higher supreme being others call it, and I don't mind. I just sometimes wonder why bad things happen to good people. Why suffering and pain exists. I once read this book, Confesions by St. Augustine. The reasoning behind evil and suffering is to help us detach ourselves from the worldly things and become closer to God, since the major purpose in life for a person should or is to be closer to God, to become one with him. A quest towards perfection as I like to call it. I don't want to be perfect. I don't want to be whole, I just want to live and fulfill my purpose in life and not go through so much pain and so many tears. Yeah, I know, I am asking for the impossible. I know that I am strong and that I can handle any and every curve ball thrown at me, I just can't guarantee that I'll be able to hit one everytime I swing.
