January 17, 2006
Taking a Chance
Too many times in my life I have held back living it the way I should. I've been too scared to show my vulnerability, my human and sensitive side. Too many times I have not done things because of fear, because of what the ending is going to be like. I'm tired of that. I have finallly made up my mind to live without restraint. I don't mean that I'm going to go nuts and do stupid and crazy things, but rather, do the things I want to do without having to hesitate because of the 'What if it doesn't work out?' thoughts in my head. I want to love, to lose, to win, to feel, to laugh, to think, and not have to hold back. I've been doing this for too damn long now. It's almost like a prison cage holding me back when trying to jump out to fly. No more! I'm going to give it all I have, and not care what happens at the end. Yeah, I might end up getting hurt, but to live in the moment, and make the most of it, that's what counts!!!! Why did it take me so long to figure it out?!? Beats me dammit!!! But not anymore, I'm going to spread my wings and fly and take over the world. One day at a time, but I WILL. Too many thoughts and feelings are rushing through me as I type, not fast enough obviously to say everything I have to say. I'm just so excited because I'm breaking free from this ball and chain, throwing this mask away, that for so long has gotten me stuck to one place and I'm finally janking it off!!! What a great feeling. I knew that this year was going to be different, I was going to get my freedom back and get my life on track. It has come, and here it is. The day to break free and live and breathe finally, for the first time without any hesitation or care in the world, with the sole purpose to live and let live!!! It took one person to walk into my life to realize that. I thank that individual for that, for taking the blindfold off my eyes and letting me see things in this new way. Even if this relation is shortlived, it does not matter, because the impact it has had in my life is long-lasting. It's one of those life altering events for the better. Thank you for teaching me to live my life the way I should have done a long time ago. Life is too short to live in the overwhelming feeling of paranoia and regrets, of turmoil and insanity. Take it by the hand and take it where it is that you want it to go. Take charge and turn things into what you truly want and need it to be! No more pity nor fear, just the uncertainty of what is coming up next, but ready to make the best of it!!! Happy New 2006!!!!
